Now Panic & Freak Out

Over the past six months I have been "anxiously engaged" in whining and pining to get the heck out on my mission.

And several people have noticed. Since I got my mission call in March, it seems as if time has crawled along with both it's legs broken. Working 2 jobs, moving from Utah back to Georgia, getting 2 new retail jobs, buying necessities, making lists, getting shots & paperwork in order has made me want to stick my head in the oven and bash the door closed about a thousand times.

And yet, now that it's finally August, and my mission date is inching closer & closer as the weekends wrap up, I'm suddenly starting to freak out a little.

And starting now, I have 10 days until Salt Lake emails/ calls me about my travel plans and approximately 17 days until I'm supposed to report to the MTC (either in Brazil or Provo). Needless to say, I thought this day would never come, and on the flip side of that, I thought this day would never come. (see what I did just there?)

I'm sure every prospective missionary has experienced this feeling just before they go. The entire time leading up to the actual report date is full of anxious impatience, and then a week or two weeks out, it suddenly turns to just plain old anxiety. 

And how much of a hypocrite do I have to be? All this time I've been complaining about how this is taking forever & why can't I be out there already, and now... I'm starting to realize that this is actually happening & if I'm even ready to be out there.

Of course I'm going, and of course I'm excited and restless to be out there working, learning the language & getting to know the ropes. I've always said I hate excel spreadsheets, schedules & routines. I've always hated cubicles & time clocks and I've never had a shopkeeper's personality. A good friend of mine told me that I had a "discoverer, conqueror personality" and that I should never settle for anything less than that. But, when it actually comes right down to it, at the very last minute, I seem to suffer from an instance of adventure paralysis. And I don't really know why.

This is what I want. I've wanted this for so long. So, why on earth am I having these feelings?

Yet, I have to remember that at times like these, to think of Elder Holland's talk, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence." He assuredly states that, "If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Fighting through darkness and despair is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going and it is what will keep you going."

 I'm sure half of these emotions are just part of being human, and the other half is the adversary trying to prevent me from going on this mission to Brazil. And I know this too shall pass. And when I feel as if I'm going to be suffocated by worry and stress, to remember what Jeffrey R Holland says: "Don't give up when the pressure mounts. Face your doubts. Master your fears."

I know this is what I'm supposed to do. And I know I won't regret it.

xoxo
Sister Megatron